2020: The Longest Decade

Telah terlalu bercapuk dan kusam.

Begitulah kiranya tiga-enam-enam hari yang sudah.

Gegak dan porak yang segala menghendap serang dari setiap penjuru tanpa ada walau secubit pun sela untuk kita menaiki dan menuruni nafas. Tiada yang terhindar daripada jeda yang tiba-tiba dan memaksa. Namun, pasti jua ada lompang yang kita cari agar bersua dengan jernih riang. Gundah dan gemala acap kali berseli-selang, berseteru untuk memacak pasak dalam minda dan jiwa ini.

I self-published my own poem collection. I fell off a bike during a heavy rain. I got a gig for that teacher from Oh! My English. I spent many sleepless nights drowning in paranoia. I self-drove and travelled to new horizons. I struggled with panic attack twice. My literary passion received global recognition. I had to make a quick dash to the E.R.

I felt like a loser. I thought I've succeeded. I felt like a failure. I felt like a winner. I thought I was gonna die. I've never felt more alive. I felt like a loser.

These past 8784 hours haven’t been easy to everyone. We dealt with one pop quiz after another – quizzes that questioned our faith, strength, and vulnerability like never before. Did we ace those tests? No one knows for sure, but the most important thing is we went through all of them and in the end we’re still standing. We survived. That itself is an achievement.

Ayuh, marilah sadurkan yang capuk dan kusam itu dengan mulusnya putih. Perlahan-lahan, lenyapkannya dari indera pandang. Moga kulit baharu ini kekal murni dan hanya meriah rona pelangi yang menjentiknya.

That’s it for 2020 – the longest decade ever.

CR 4.13

Coretan ini akan berselang-seli secara kadang-kala antara bahasa Melayu dan Inggeris.

This post will be alternating occasionally between Malay and English.

2 Januari 2019. 

Tengah hari. 

Saya sudah tiba di titik puncak – di hujung harapan. 

Hampir 7 bulan sebelum itu, Abah berangkat pergi. Kini, duka dan celaru daripada kelananya itu berganda dengan serabut untuk menyiapkan FYP. Gandaan itu ditambah pula dengan segala macam urusan yang belum terlunas di Segamat. 2 minggu sekali, ulang-alik Segamat-KL menjadi rutin yang lama-kelamaan menghakis jiwa. 

Acap kali saat saya memikir segala sukar yang perlu didepani, sering kali juga saya cuba menepisnya dengan mengenang sukar yang lebih dahsyat: bila mana Ummi perlu melalui hari-harinya sebagai si isteri yang kini sendiri, si pentadbir sekolah yang semakin membukit tugasnya, dan banyak lagi perihal hidup untuk disua muka. Perspektif itu mengimbuhkan empati dan timbang rasa saya kepadanya. Lagi pun, Ummi selalu pesan:

"Kalau kita rasa kita tengah susah, ada orang lain yang lagi susah."

Namun, perspektif sahaja tidak akan menghilangkan sukar yang masih terbentang ini. 

Thinking about how my beloved mother faces bigger challenges than mine – unfortunately – does not make my own problems go away. It makes their permanent marks inside of me even deeper. Somehow, my mind just hates the idea of delegitimizing my personal issues in order to reach the greater good. Sure, her obstacles are way tougher than mine, but my obstacles are still there. Hence, I have to deal with them by myself (talking about them to Ummi would be too much of a burden for her, obviously).

Saya diam dan pendamkan saja apa-apa luka yang tak tampak dek indera zahir (ia satu sifat yang sudah sebati sejak menginjak remaja, mujurlah/malangnya). Namun seperti Yellowstone dan Vesuvius,  akan ada satu detik yang mencetuskan pancuran lahar - lahar yang membawa segala sisa daya dan mahu kepada hidup yang sudah hampir sepenuhnya lebur.

At that moment, I was already standing next to the open window, waiting for the right time to jump – to end and to escape this misery. I looked down at the ground, 4 stories below. There were a number of cars. I scanned them to find the right place to crash onto. I was almost determined to jump. I was done with my life. I just want to meet Abah again.

I tell you, if Ameer was 5 minutes late.. you won’t be reading this story right now. 

Ameer tidak tahu pun niat saya saat itu ketika dia tiba di lokasi kejadian. Dia cuma melihat wajah saya yang sudah ketara serabutnya (saya hantar mesej sehari/pagi sebelum itu: I need someone to talk to). Saya duduk sejenak sebelum menggenggam erat tangannya. Suatu ungkapan saya lafazkan berulang-ulang kali dalam nada yang sudah tiada berperasaan: “Aku dah penat.”

That was the biggest reason I chose to do my industrial training at the college - I was too miserable/mentally damaged to find a place. I was so grateful when Ms. Ilyani understood my situation and helped me with the placement. Sure, I won't get paid (really, MARA?) but at least I would find a peace of mind. And oh boy, the Exam Unit provided me with just that (Kak Syida, Kak Wani, Pn. Hajar, Suhaila, and Reen.. they were the best).

Alhamdulillah, saya masih di sini. FYP saya bergred A+ dan hampir semua urusan dah selesai. Namun saya takkan lupa tarikh 2/1/19 - saat saya hampir menurunkan noktah.

Tiba pula PKP. Semua terkunci di dalam rumah sendiri. Hanya seminggu sekali berkelana mencari bekalan. Pada mulanya, tiada apa-apa yang menarik - hidup bagaikan robot setiap hari tidaklah begitu mengasyikkan. Namun ketika jumlah kes bertambah dan melepasi 4 angka, paranoia mula menyerang.

Did I bring the virus back to my house?

Will my family members get infected?

Are they going to die?

Am I going to die?

Setiap kali rasa tak sedap badan, paracetamol segera ditelan. Kerap kali saya terpaksa berjaga hingga jam 2 atau 3 pagi kerana sibuk melawan paranoia yang berlegar-legar di minda. Setiap kali ada ahli keluarga yang keluar, minda jahat saya memikirkan seribu satu situasi bersifat musibah yang mungkin melanda. Saya takkan rasa tenang selagi mereka tak pulang ke rumah. Mahu sahaja saya menghentakkan tengkorak ini pada mana-mana dinding agar paranoia itu mengalir keluar bersama lelehan darah dari konkusi yang tercipta kelak.

Kini lahir pula satu langkah berjaga-jaga: saya cuba untuk tidak memandu jika sedang marah, kerana saya akan ada keinginan untuk memecut menuju ke mana-mana tembok batu, seperti yang selalu dilihat dalam simulasi kemalangan. Entah kenapa saya membayangkan suatu kepuasan jika dapat berbuat demikian. Bahaya? Semestinya.

As I write this, I'm still unemployed after being officially graduated for almost a year now. I self-published a zine (that's a different story) which is cool, and I proofread FYPs from UiTM students (RM4/page, that's a good deal) but still.. I need a sustainable and fixed income. I still couldn't help to pay the bills or buying dinner without constantly checking my bank account. My daily chores are simply washing and hanging the clothes, as well as looking after Fattah, Shayla, and Sepet. That's it. Nothing else. No job. No effing job.

Macam tak ada fungsi, kan? Anak lelaki sulung apa macam ini? Apa pun tak boleh buat. Balik-balik, fikir benda yang bukan-bukan. Ikutkan sangat paranoia itu. Lebih baik.. faham-faham sajalah.

But who am I kidding? As much as I want to try to do it again, I must resist. I must keep holding on.. for my mother (the last thing I need to see is another round of her endless grief; she had enough (she is strong, but she had enough)), my siblings, and those who enjoy having me as their acquaintance. If it was for me, I would've said "au revoir!" already. But I won't. I just have to.. (urgh, it gets cheesier every time I say this:) stay strong. I can do this.. right?

Now, I share this story because I feel like it's the right thing to do. It's not about trying to get excessive sympathy (the last thing I need is to be treated differently just because of the above revelation). Just treat me normally - annoy me with your antics, and allow me to annoy you. Simple. I just want you to listen to (or in this case, read) my story. That's all. Because writing this down is already a huge relief for me.

Kepada yang menjadi teman saat segalanya lebur, terima kasih. God knows how much I love you. I already made a promise to myself that I'll be there if you happen to be in my shoes someday (God forbid). Kepada yang lain-lainnya, usah risau. Saya baik-baik sahaja. Masih berada dalam julat kelakuan normal.

Satu sahaja permintaan saya: titipkanlah doa kepada-Nya agar saya diberikan ketenangan minda dan jiwa untuk melalui setiap kitaran 24 jam, dan agar jendela rezeki saya dibuka seluas mungkin. insya-Allah, doa itu akan berbalik kepada yang mengirimnya.

It's the 10th of September.

It's the World Suicide Prevention Day.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay #WSPD2020 #SuicidePrevention #Befrienders #NyawaAmatBernilai #LifeIsPrecious #03762729296