Bismillah...
(Sebahagian besar atau keseluruhan coretan ini adalah dalam bahasa Inggeris. Harap maaf andai ada yang tidak memahaminya.)
First of all, allow me to emphasise the following statement which will be the main key of this so-called article:
"I am tired of being afraid with other people's perception & judgement."
So, shall we begin?
The last few months hadn't been on my side. And it happened for a good reason.
My bad.
Sendiri yang silap, sendiri yang tanggung.
Serves me right.
I have proven myself to be one of the worst son a parent could ever bear.
I have proven myself to be one of the most useless friend a person could ever have.
Luckily for me (but sadly for them),
I have the best parents in the world.
I have the most awesome friend in my life.
But I'm just a jerk,
For dragging some of them into my troublesome, self-made error.
They might say, "whatever happens, we'll go through this together."
But man, that sense of guilt. It's just overwhelming.
Time to be honest.
Mungkin ada yang kata, "tak patut buka pekung di dada."
But hey, it's better to admit the mistakes, & learn from it.
I'm coming out of the closet.
And by that, I didn't mean to confess about my sexual orientation.
Na-ah.
It's just about my failure. Or should I say 'failureS'.
I failed miserably by the end of my PASUM days. In other words, gagal keluar.
Entering IPTA? Say goodbye to that.
My alternatives? A-Level or Diploma in IPTS (or selected IPTA with frequent Diploma intake).
And looking at the current prospects, diploma is my only way to enter uni life. For sure, it won't happen any time soon.
The key factor to this misery is merely the fact that I was overshadowed.
By my failure to obtain straight A's during SPM.
Being an almost perfectionist when it comes to study life, that was a really humbling lesson. I learn that we won't always win.
But I just drifted away with the frustration. I couldn't find a way to cope with it.
I was too busy searching for freedom from those issues that I found myself drowned in it.
I feel like giving up. I feel damn useless.
I'm letting my lust to overpower my rational thinking. And it's something I totally ashamed of.
And currently, I'm still struggling to find a place to study. Again, serves me right.
To my relatives & my parents' colleagues, I beg for your consideration to accept this reality. To you, I might seem to be a bright genius. But in the end, I'm just an ordinary human being. I'm far from being flawless.
To my fellow P3ians, go ahead. Laugh at me. Seriously, just laugh at me. I deserved it. I'm certainly not the best leader, if not the worst. It just that, I had enough of getting involved in leadership stuff, after spending 10 out of 11 years in school doing that (starting from Darjah 1). My attitude as you see is so not suits the role of a group leader.
I deeply regret the very tinee-tiny effort I've made to be better while in PASUM. A little more should be enough for me to do some first-degree assignment right at this moment. But it didn't happen. I regret that, for I eventually causing trouble to the people around me.
But, there are some things that I'll never regret.
That includes entering PASUM.
320 days of colourful moments. New friends (& luckily no new enemy).
Nope, no regret.
And during this very rough period, saying "thank you" is just not enough.
To Abah & Umi, thank you for still loving me even after the devastating failures I've presented to you. You just occasionally show that love, 'coz I know you want to see if I really have the same feeling & if I can really prove it. I'm sorry for being such a nuisance. I know that I should seek a job for a while right now as you wish, but I'm still hesitated to get out of the comfort zone. Pray for my strength so I can break that barrier.
To KakLong, Syakir & Syida, God knows just how grateful am I to have you as my siblings. As we grew up, we rarely see each other in the name of study life, but it genuinely makes me happy to have you around me. You have your own ways to understand me. We make that crazy antics together, & it feels great to me.
To Jamhuri, you've grown up excellently. Even when you're now making your way to the top of the world literally, you still treat me like the same old Syafiq you love to tease back in the BGP. You've once said back in SAMURA, "Syafiq, aku nak jadi macam kaulah." Now, the table has turned. Jamhuri, I want to be like you.
To Mustaffa, we definitely have such a rare contact. But I know you're a very protective person. Inside that 'sado' figure, there's a very responsible & preserved soul only a few can see. We registered into SAMURA together back in February 2, 2010. Your physical strength blends well with your inner decency.
To Hanafi, from Jalan Genuang to Tanjung Agas, then to Lembah Pantai. Sometimes you seems like doesn't handle certain intense situation quite well. But, your endless effort for a better life can be seen here & there. You hold what I'll consider as my crazy inner side. Keep calm & live your life as it is.
To those who support me, thank you. That's what I need for the time being. Go & create a marvellous journey. I'll follow you up later.
But ultimately, the biggest thank you & sorry I should say is to the Almighty.
Thank you Allah for giving me the chance to live my life, & to allow me to seek for righteousness in the end.
I'm sorry Allah for disobey you at any (if not all) point of my life. Forgive me for all the sins I've committed.
For now, I have to believe in one thing:
I really hope that the above quote can be a reality in my life context.
M.S.A.S.
October 28, 2013
12.55 a.m.
The last few months hadn't been on my side. And it happened for a good reason.
My bad.
Sendiri yang silap, sendiri yang tanggung.
Serves me right.
I have proven myself to be one of the worst son a parent could ever bear.
I have proven myself to be one of the most useless friend a person could ever have.
Luckily for me (but sadly for them),
I have the best parents in the world.
I have the most awesome friend in my life.
But I'm just a jerk,
For dragging some of them into my troublesome, self-made error.
They might say, "whatever happens, we'll go through this together."
But man, that sense of guilt. It's just overwhelming.
Time to be honest.
Mungkin ada yang kata, "tak patut buka pekung di dada."
But hey, it's better to admit the mistakes, & learn from it.
I'm coming out of the closet.
And by that, I didn't mean to confess about my sexual orientation.
Na-ah.
It's just about my failure. Or should I say 'failureS'.
I failed miserably by the end of my PASUM days. In other words, gagal keluar.
Entering IPTA? Say goodbye to that.
My alternatives? A-Level or Diploma in IPTS (or selected IPTA with frequent Diploma intake).
And looking at the current prospects, diploma is my only way to enter uni life. For sure, it won't happen any time soon.
The key factor to this misery is merely the fact that I was overshadowed.
By my failure to obtain straight A's during SPM.
Being an almost perfectionist when it comes to study life, that was a really humbling lesson. I learn that we won't always win.
But I just drifted away with the frustration. I couldn't find a way to cope with it.
I was too busy searching for freedom from those issues that I found myself drowned in it.
I feel like giving up. I feel damn useless.
I'm letting my lust to overpower my rational thinking. And it's something I totally ashamed of.
And currently, I'm still struggling to find a place to study. Again, serves me right.
To my relatives & my parents' colleagues, I beg for your consideration to accept this reality. To you, I might seem to be a bright genius. But in the end, I'm just an ordinary human being. I'm far from being flawless.
To my fellow P3ians, go ahead. Laugh at me. Seriously, just laugh at me. I deserved it. I'm certainly not the best leader, if not the worst. It just that, I had enough of getting involved in leadership stuff, after spending 10 out of 11 years in school doing that (starting from Darjah 1). My attitude as you see is so not suits the role of a group leader.
I deeply regret the very tinee-tiny effort I've made to be better while in PASUM. A little more should be enough for me to do some first-degree assignment right at this moment. But it didn't happen. I regret that, for I eventually causing trouble to the people around me.
But, there are some things that I'll never regret.
That includes entering PASUM.
320 days of colourful moments. New friends (& luckily no new enemy).
Nope, no regret.
And during this very rough period, saying "thank you" is just not enough.
To Abah & Umi, thank you for still loving me even after the devastating failures I've presented to you. You just occasionally show that love, 'coz I know you want to see if I really have the same feeling & if I can really prove it. I'm sorry for being such a nuisance. I know that I should seek a job for a while right now as you wish, but I'm still hesitated to get out of the comfort zone. Pray for my strength so I can break that barrier.
To KakLong, Syakir & Syida, God knows just how grateful am I to have you as my siblings. As we grew up, we rarely see each other in the name of study life, but it genuinely makes me happy to have you around me. You have your own ways to understand me. We make that crazy antics together, & it feels great to me.
To Jamhuri, you've grown up excellently. Even when you're now making your way to the top of the world literally, you still treat me like the same old Syafiq you love to tease back in the BGP. You've once said back in SAMURA, "Syafiq, aku nak jadi macam kaulah." Now, the table has turned. Jamhuri, I want to be like you.
To Mustaffa, we definitely have such a rare contact. But I know you're a very protective person. Inside that 'sado' figure, there's a very responsible & preserved soul only a few can see. We registered into SAMURA together back in February 2, 2010. Your physical strength blends well with your inner decency.
To Hanafi, from Jalan Genuang to Tanjung Agas, then to Lembah Pantai. Sometimes you seems like doesn't handle certain intense situation quite well. But, your endless effort for a better life can be seen here & there. You hold what I'll consider as my crazy inner side. Keep calm & live your life as it is.
To those who support me, thank you. That's what I need for the time being. Go & create a marvellous journey. I'll follow you up later.
But ultimately, the biggest thank you & sorry I should say is to the Almighty.
Thank you Allah for giving me the chance to live my life, & to allow me to seek for righteousness in the end.
I'm sorry Allah for disobey you at any (if not all) point of my life. Forgive me for all the sins I've committed.
For now, I have to believe in one thing:
M.S.A.S.
October 28, 2013
12.55 a.m.
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